Over the past year and a half, many people, well
women, in my life have given birth. My brother’s wife delivered their second
child, my second niece Sophie on Easter Monday of 2009. A healthy, slime coated
baby girl. Her head was all scrapped up from her exit and oddly shaped like a
peanut. After seeing pictures of her, freshly birthed, on that cold, hygienic
scale, I comprised a list of the pros and cons of childbirth. Actually, it
begins before the physical birth, before the pregnancy altogether. It begins at
that defining moment of am I pregnant.
Luckily, my persistent fear of labour has for the most part guarded me from
this experience, but as a woman the thoughts of pregnancy still from time to
time plague me. If my menstrual cycle is late for example, regardless of
whether or not I’m sexually active at the time, that thought pops up like a
prom night pimple. Who knows, maybe I’m the Mary of the twenty first century.
That moment of realization, as far fetched as it may be, that your life as a
single, selfish woman could be coming to a close, is the first on the
list. Con.
I suppose, once you’ve established that you are in fact
with child, the Lord’s or otherwise, and have accepted that in nine short
months you will be a mother, the pregnancy can be quite interesting.
Ultrasounds, hearing the heart beat, feeling it wriggle around inside you are
all, for the most part, unique to pregnancy. A cousin of mine once described
the movement of her unborn son, as having swallowed one too many goldfish. Who
doesn’t wonder what it would be like to suck down a few live fish and have them
scoot around in their belly, swimming into their kidneys or pressing into their
rib cage? Con.
I think its time for a pro, which for obvious reasons,
comes in the form of shopping. Due to the massive bump that one acquires from
being knocked up, a new wardrobe is required. I’m happy to announce as well,
that because of the recent surge in celebrity infants, the overall style and selection
of maternity clothing has significantly improved. No more are the pregnant
doomed to a final trimester of overalls and baggy denim dresses. All of the top
celebrity moms have established their own high end fashion lines of pregnant
pants and tops for all seasons. If all else fails, you can always buy a new
handbag that in the future will double as diaper bag. Now for the con, unless
you plan on having multiple babies, those clothes are useless after birth.
It’s hard for me to fully understand what it is like to
give birth, but from the experiences of others, I’ve derived several important
items that make up the bulk of my con list.
The birthing process seems to start slow, a pain every few minutes, but
intense labour is where the real cons make their appearance. A women’s pelvis
expands ten inches wider then it was day before. That’s roughly the size of the
average man’s foot. From that pelvis come the head, shoulders and body of a
sometimes ten pound baby. I often watch
“A Baby Story” on TLC. This program is filled with women who, during labour,
are sweaty, messy, unpredictable versions of themselves surrounded by
supportive moms and husbands rubbing their backs and reminding them of how well
their doing. Meanwhile, these ladies are about to bare down and push a child
out of their uteruses. In my opinion, now is the time to pump them up with
hockey playing, goal scoring, testosterone and just let them grunt it out.
Combinations of these factors, along with the often uncontrollable bowel movements
while pushing, are only two of the intense labour cons.
After the birth comes the after birth. Did you know that
once the baby comes out, you have to birth the placenta? A fact that was new to
me until late this summer when a friend, in detail, described both her
inability to birth her placenta and the offer by her doctor to let her take
some home. I have never seen a placenta, but I can imagine the green slimly
ball of mess and that is enough for me to capitalize the next word: CON. Another procedure after labour is the
possible need for stitches. Now, for this con I want to first of all ask you to
keep in mind where these stitches are going and after what special event.
Apparently, not only fully licensed doctors can stitch you up either; med
students are also given the honors of reconstructing the new mother’s vagina
after she’s given birth to her new little bundle of joy. One student described the experience as a
total shot in the dark as well, stating that its somewhat like trying to sew
together a piñata after its been busted open by several children with a stick.
Con.
Labour is over. The bun is out of the over. This is the
part where I get to list all the positive things about being a new mother. This
is where the pro list, the turtle of race, slowly takes the lead. I guess this
could be the case, providing your hormones are in check and that you don’t hate
your baby. Then you have all the time in the world to cuddle it, change it,
wipe its snotty nose, and feed it at all hours of the night. Con. But don’t worry though; you’ve got those
adorable blue eyes and that cute little smile to keep you going, right? Today,
right now, it’s easy for me to think about the twenty hours a week that I spend
with kids, and know that when my shift is over, they go home, away from me, to
moms and dads who tickle their feet and tuck them. Mothers who have rubbed the
same little back through every cold over the past five years for the simple
gratification of knowing that they can make babies and raise them too. When I
give the little hooligans a sticker and send them out the door, I am reminded even
though I’m not ready to let my body become a baby factory just yet, at least I
have the tools and the space for production in the future, as gross as it may
be.
**Honourable mentions for
the con list include: swollen ankles, morning sickness, strange and
uncontrollable cravings and possibly having to deal with your partners pathetic
sympathy pains during both the pregnancy and labour.
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